Grief – One year out
TW: pregnancy loss
Mike and I were walking through Target last Friday afternoon, coffees in hand, casually strolling when it dawned on us. I looked up at him and said “Whoa, we would have a one year old. Or we’d at least be planning a one year old’s birthday party.” The realization shocked us both.
We talk like this often: imagining what we’d be doing as a family of three in whatever scenario we happen to be in. The early months are easy to imagine, lots of cuddles and diaper changes, learning this baby and adjusting to being new parents. But one year… it’s kind of hard to picture because the possibilities seem more varied and endless. What milestones would they have hit? What would their personality be?
Granted, when we got to April 28th last year we already knew our pregnancy hadn’t made it and that we wouldn’t be parents yet. It wasn’t so much of a shock to us in that moment. More of an “okay, we are here now.” kind of feeling.
Grief is weird like that. One year from the due date hit me harder the actual due date itself.
But as we continued walking through Target we started talking about how different this past year would have looked for us if we had a kid.
We didn’t have a 3 month old when we decided to get a puppy last summer, which we know we would never have gotten our dog if the former were true.
We didn’t take stroller walks through the neighborhood but we have walked everyday, made huge leaps in our healthy habits, and as a result take so much better care of ourselves.
We didn’t get *all the things* for a new baby, but we did take a 10 day road trip through Canada that would have looked really different if a 6 month old was with us.
We didn’t finish setting up our nursery but we did complete so many projects around the house this year, like removing a wall to add an arched built-in bookcase in our entry.
We didn’t chase a crawling baby around the house but we did handle some majorly complicated behind-the-scenes work for Sweet Horizon that I’m certain will give us more freedom when we DO have a kid.
We haven’t had a baby to cuddle or hand off to their grandparents, but we have been in therapy learning about ourselves and the world and because of that our relationships and communication have become so much healthier.
I’m not sayin that I would take one for the other, because, dang, I still desperately want to have a kid, but at the same time I can recognize how much we’ve grown and changed in this last year and I’m really freaking proud of it.
I’m so happy with how our life looks and I’m so confident that babies will be in the future for us. I haven’t lost that vision of what it would be like to add a kid to the family. I just hope that we have used this year to become better people and parents for when they do arrive.
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